Every Trace of Sadness
by meglc86
Summary: Meredith learns about her past, and her Mom's past through Ellis' diary- the only connection She has to her family history or so she thinks. Takes place in season 5
1. Cheated by Death

Every Trace of Sadness  
--------------------------

Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy.

Author's Note: Hi, I just wanted to introduce myself real quick. My name is Megan. I used to publish fanfiction alooong time ago. I have spent the last few weeks reading all kinds of Grey's Anatomy fanfiction. (My fav show!) It inspired me to start writing again so I have kinda had a story that I wanted to write. I will take a stab at this. Please review and let me know how you like or don't like the story. If it's HORRIBLE, I won't waste my time continuing and go back to only enjoying all of you talented writers' stories! Thanks!

-------------------------------------

Ch. 1 Cheated by Death

She paused to take a deep breath. She didn't know what to do, but just sit there and take it all in. How was it that after all this time that now she finally understood? She was misinformed her whole life. Now it was too late. Her hands started shaking violently. Forming fists she tried to stop the shaking. Unsuccessful as it was, she started to cry.

Meredith felt cheated. Life had taken away the chance to get the person that gave birth to her. Ironic.

Meredith paused. She couldn't remember the song that her mom used to sing while she cleaned on the weekends. It was driving her nuts. There was nobody now that could give her the answer. She was all alone. Her childhood was only a memory in her mind now.

Nobody could connect her to her past except for her. Why, if she ever had permanent amnesia there would be nobody around to tell her all about her life in her younger days. That scared her. Her childhood was a million miles away. it was ] crappy but, it was an unforgettable part of her. She could not repeat the same mistakes that her parents had.

Meredith told herself that she deserved to be happy, and make things work out. She wanted to break the family curse of running away and quitting. She couldn't quit Derick, or the life that was ahead for them. To get to the future, though, she had to confront the ghosts of her past. In order to be a great surgeon, friend, wife, and mom, she had to understand. She had to deal with it, or else it might destroy her. Meredith picked the diary back up, took a big drink of coffee, and then she turned back to the beginning of the diary. She began to read the same words all over again.

_Ellis Brewer,_

_I love you more than words can say. You are a sweet little girl. I couldn't ask for a better granddaughter. You are sweet, kind, and gentle. Please stay that way forever. I want to give you this diary for your ninth birthday as a way for you to capture your thoughts, and keep them sealed in time forever. I have no doubt that you will have an amazing story to tell in the pages of this leather bound book. I love you Ellie-Bell! _

_Happy Birthday,_

_Grandma Lily_

Meredith paused long enough to close her eyes. Those sweet words were all that she had to link her to this Grandma Lily that she never knew. She turned the page. She began to read the first diary entry made by her mother.  
_  
__Hi Meredith,  
My name is Ellis Brewer. Grandma Lily gave me this book to keep as a diarry. She said that I could right Dear Diarry at the beginning of each page, or that I could name you somethin speshul. I am going to name you Meredith, after Meredith, Colorado where my grandma was born at and where I have to go for her funeral. Grandma Lily died last night after she left my birthday party. She was in a bad car accident. I miss her. I don't ever want to sellebrate my birthday again! It's not fair. I want my grandma back. Since I miss her so much I will keep writing in my Dear Meredith Diarry like she wanted me to.  
Love, Ellie  
_


	2. Weekend Getaway

Ch. 2 Weekend Getaway

Disclaimer: The only thing I own is my car, puppy, and the words on the page. I wish I owned Grey's Anatomy but I do not. Lucky Shonda, lucky lucky girl.

Author's Note: WARNING-SEASON 5 SPOILER NEXT SENTENCE. This story takes place in Season 5 before Izzy gets sick.

_______________

"I can't believe we are doing this." Meredith said as she looked over at her roommate. She needed coffee. It was coffee time normally at 5 a.m.

"It's exciting isn't it? I feel like we are detectives following a case. I just have one question. Why on earth did you pick me, and not Cristina to come with you?" Izzy asked.

Meredith looked over at Izzy and smiled. "Do you really think that Cristina would leave the hospital for four days willingly? The Chief will have to tie her up, and have to get security to remove her from the hospital premises. "

Izzy and Meredith both began laughing. The captain's voice came over the intercom welcoming them to United Airlines flight 696. Their flight would take about three hours, and then they had to drive three hours to their destination.

"It's nice to finally get a little vacation from the hospital. I love being a surgeon but I love being away from Seattle Grace too." Izzy said, while looking out the window at the millions of little clouds below.

"Well you heard the Chief tell us that we would have mandatory time off from now on, except for all hands on deck situations. I wonder how long it will last though. He will miss our bright and glittery faces." Meredith said laughing. The Chief had gone in the residents' locker room the day before, and announced that, as of the following day- two residents were on a four day hiatus. Then, after they were back, two other residents would go on break. It would keep going until the whole surgical wing of the hospital had a four day break, down to the interns, nurses, and janitors.

Alex asked why on earth he wanted to do that. The Chief looked at him before glancing at everybody else. Then he said, "You all used to love your jobs, loved this hospital, and loved the patients, but you have gotten comfortable here and bored. So, after a few days off, I want you to come back revived and loving your jobs. I want you coming back ready to save lives, and pull this hospital out of the number twelve slot that we all have let it slip into. We will be number one again."

Meredith let her thoughts slip off. She felt like she was in a weird dream. She was really digging up the past now. The past that she didn't know she had. The words from her mother's diary were enough to put her and her friend on a plane, and three thousand feet in the air. Words were so powerful. As much as she didn't want her mom's words to be, they had put a spell on her. She didn't know what to expect when she arrived. After all, nothing ever worked out in her life, so why this? She didn't know if she would actually get to meet him. Plus if she did find him, would he accept her as…family. Nobody else accepted her as family except Cristina, Derek, Izzy, George, Alex, Richard, and now Lexie.

Meredith looked over at Izzy. She was fast asleep. Meredith decided she would try to sleep to.

_______________

Meanwhile back in Seattle

Derek paced up and down the stairs. His and Meredith's stairs. He loved that woman. "Why hasn't she called me yet?" He asked Mark.

Mark shrugged his shoulders as he took a big bite of his turkey sandwich. "Don't worry Der, she promised she would call when she got there. She isn't there yet. Quit pacing. You are going to make the stairs collapse."

Derek stopped midstride, and reached for his cell phone. He hit speed dial number 1 and got Meredith's voicemail box again. "Mer, I want to make sure you are okay. I am worried to death. Call me as soon as you land. I want to make sure you are safely on the ground. I love you."

Derek couldn't imagine life without his Meredith. She had rescued him from misery. He was a wreck after Addison cheated on him, and his marriage finally crumbled. When he moved to Seattle, he wasn't looking for love-just an escape. He found both in Meredith.

His thoughts were interrupted by his beeper going off.

"Duty calls." He said as he waved goodbye to Mark.

He ran to the ambulance bay. Nurse Tyler was there. "There is a severe head trauma about five minutes out. Sixteen year old boy. I paged O'Malley and an intern."

Derek closed his eyes. He hated it when it was a kid.

The ambulance pulled up to the bay. The EMTs opened the ambulance door and jumped out. "Peter Haskins, 16. Cranial gunshot wound. He is conscious now, but keeps going into shock. BP is a little elevated. We started him on some oxygen."

"Thanks guys, I got it from here. O'Malley, I need you to get Mr. Haskins to the CT stat! I need to see what's going on in there and if I can operate." Derek directed.

_______________

Meredith and Izzy pulled their bags behind them, as they excited the baggage claim area of the Denver International Airport. They headed over to the car rental area.

"Hey Izzy, do you think you can watch my bag real quick. I have to pee badly! I couldn't go on the plane." Meredith said while doing a little jig.

"Yeah sure. But why…" Izzy stopped as Meredith muttered thanks, and jogged off to the lady's room.

Meredith rejoined Izzy a few minutes later.

"Thanks." Meredith said as she made her way to the empty counter waiting for the car rental attendant.

"Why didn't you go to the bathroom on the plane?" Izzy asked.

"Because airplane bathrooms are creepy." Meredith admitted.

"Creepier than airport bathrooms, where you can get mugged?" Izzy asked.

"Umm… I never thought about that. I guess from now on I will just have to wait to pee at hotels." Meredith said shrugging her shoulder.

Finally, the clerk arrived, and got them in their black Lexus SUV, and on their way. Meredith tried to call Derek the minute they entered the car. Straight to voicemail. Maybe he is in surgery, thought Meredith, while leaving a message announcing her arrival. She listened to her voicemail. One message from Lexie, one from Cristina, and five messages from Derek. She smiled. Oh how she loved that man.

_____________

Author's note: I wanted to make this longer but I need to plan the next chapter better. Plus I was missing Seattle Grace. I will try to update very soon!


	3. Ninety Beestings

Warning: some graphic violent situations will follow in this and other upcoming chapters.

________________

Derek wiped his brow after scrubbing out of the craniotomy. It was a tough surgery. The bullet was lodged so deeply that it took four neurosurgeons to work to get it dislodged. The guy coded twice and, a cardiologist had to be called in after the heart stopped…three times. Eight hours later he was tired, starving, and missing Meredith who should have arrived in her destination.

He pulled his phone out of his pocket…three missed calls from his beloved. Three messeges were left to accompany each of them.

He listened to his voicemail, glad to at least hear her pre-recorded voice for a moment. He was happy that she had gone on her trip though. It was necessary to put her dark and twisty side to rest a little better. He wished to have gone with her, but with Richard's new mandotory time off order, the hospital was short two residents.

He quickly dialed her number and hoped that he would have the pleasure of talking to Meredith live and in person. Her phone rang one time before she picked up.

"Hey You." She answered happily.

"Hi. Glad you made it safe and sound. Are you tired?" Derek asked as he walked quickly to his office. He took a seat and took off his white coat.

"Yeah jetlegged. I feel like a troop of elephants stomped on me." She said.

"Troop? Isn't it a flock?" Derek laughed.

"Flock? That's birds. It's…umm… a stampede? I don't know! It doesn't matter." She said, while unpacking her things into the little hotel dresser.

"So what's the plan Mer? Have you met him yet?" Derek asked. He took a swig of cold coffee.

"No. We wanted to relax first plus we figured he would be working. We plan on going about 5. Then, that's all the further I planned. I didn't know what to expect so I made no plans. " Meredith said, getting nervous. She wanted this to work. She wanted to have a good meeting with this guy. She was scared. She should have called him first, she thought to herself.

"Well I just got out of an eight hour craniotomy for a gun shot victim. His blood pressure was good and the scans and GCS score was good. I hope he wakes up without an intercranial hematoma." Derek said.

"You are such a good guy Derek. How did I ever deserve you? I must have been a saint in another life. You worry aboutr your patients." Meredith said with a small smile.

"If I didn't care for my patients then I picked the wrong career. I may have a bit of an ego, but I see how sudden a life can end. Do you miss work?" Derek asked.

"Yes. I can't wait to get back. I love that stuffy place with crappy food. Izzy and I are going out to lunch in a little while. What will I do? We will eat food not made from cardboard? I think my stomach might explode from shock!" Meredith said, thinking about the horrible hospital food.

"Good thing Izzy is with you then." Derek said laughing at his girlfriend's silliness.

"She will be on the floor right next to me. No. I should have brought a non-doctor friend who is used to real food I-."Meredith stopped abruptly as Derek interupted her.  
"Mer, I gotta go! My craniotomy guy is crashing. Love you, Baby." Derek said closing his phone and leaving it on the desk.

"Love you too Derek." Meredith said sadly, closing her phone as well.

She put her last pair of pants in the dresser. She looked inside her suitcase. Underneath all the clothes was her mother's diary. She opened it to the page that made her absentmindedly call the airport and fly 1000 miles away on a atypical vacation for a surgical resident.

_Dear Meredith,_

_I hate him! I hate him! I hate him!! Why can't he stop drinking? Why does my mommy have bruises on his face? He is a liar. He said that Mommy was bad. She isn't. She makes cookies every Saturday for me and Chris. Chris tried to stop him from hitting Mommy. Then, he got hit in the face hard. I hate him! He hit my brother. I am scared that I am going to get hit next. I asked Chris to tell me what it felt like so I wouldn't be surprised. He said that it was like ninety beestings at the same time on his bloody cheek. I held him while he cried. He made me swear not to tell anybody. He didn't want his friends to know that he cried cuz hes twelve. I won't tell anyone since he is older then me by fourteen months and three days. I got to go help Mommy move father cuz he passed out again.  
Love,_

_Ellie_

Meredith's eyes kept reading the next part. The part that she had read twenty times already.

_Dear Meredith,_

_I might runaway. I want to be with Chris. Dad sent him away to live with Aunt Trudy. He called him a "selfish good for nothing smart aleck kid". He is just mad and full of hate like me. I want to go to Meredith, Colorado to be with my brother. I am so scared. What will happen with Chris gone? Will he kill me or Mom? _

_Bye for maybe good,_

_Ellie (I'm 12 now by the way)_

Izzy held Meredith's arm as they walked up the sidewalk to the brick house. Meredith held her breath.

"Mer, I know this is scary but you need to breathe. Your brain needs oxygen to keep the blood flowing throughout your body. I am here for you." Izzy said soothingly.

Meredith let the breath out that she had been holding.

"What if he doesn't want anything to do with me? What if he hated my mom for staying? What if he refused to accept me as his neice?" Meredith said turning to Izzy.

Izzy looked up at the black door with the flowery wreath on it.

"Are you kidding? Who wouldn't want to get to know you? You are great Mer." Izzy said.

"I hope he thinks so Iz. Here goes nothing." Meredith said as she rang the bell.

**Please review if you like this story, it's my first Grey's Anatony fanfic. I want to know how you like or don't like it!**


End file.
